Viral Video Wednesday – The Soundtrack of My Life?

So, getting back into the habit of reading and blogging have been a little slow going. I’ve been a little here and a little there, but no where specific. Reading some, blogging occasionally, exploring Netflix, and raiding Rhapsody for all those wonderful songs I heard at the Second Life clubs. Interestingly enough, I haven’t logged into Second Life for over a week 😉 .

Oh, and to answer Unfinishedperson‘s question for info on Second Life: “Now about this Second Life? What is it? And how do I find out more?” Though it goes against my better judgment to share such access to something so addictive, I figure y’all could Google it anyway so here’s the long and short of what it is: It’s a virtual world in which you can be whoever, or whatever, you want to be… be it Vampire, Werewolf, furry or Neko (I’m a Neko Vampire, and BF is a Dragon-Werewolf). You can fly, teleport, own cars, houses and land, have a business, have.. ahem, physical relationships… marry and even be pregnant and have children (some people live their Second Life aschildren). It’s free to join and has a lot of freebie things, some good and some not so much, but you may find a need for cash (Lindens after SL’s creator Tory Linden), in which case you can camp (hang out in a club or other place of business and get paid for it), enter contests (usually a themed contest like “Best Neko”… which I usually win 😀 ), play the sploders (a kind of pinata that gives out money instead of candy), you can even get a >gasp< job. There is also the option of buying Lindens with cash from your credit card or paypal acct ($20 US = aprox $5200 L ). You can find out more and even sign up for your free acct at their website: Secondlife.com. Use this link to join and I’ll get some Lindens for referin’ ya! 😉

And NOW… for the videos…

I’ve really missed doing Viral Video Wednesdays… lol… I’ve missed watchingthe viral videos, too. And since I’ve been deep into loading my new MP3 player with excercisable music that I love, as well as grabbing all those songs I’ve been missing without Second Life, I though a Music Video Wednesday would be fun.

I’ve often heard people ask, “If there was a soundtrack for your life, what songs would be on it?” So today I’m going to answer this question with the music videos.

First off, if you follow my blog and have read my posts, I have mentioned some of the things I went through growing up. One line explanation, I was sexually and emotionally abused my my father. So, track one of my soundtrack is “Wonderful” by Everclear:

As you can imagine, I struggled with depression, self-esteem problems. When Metallica’s “The Unforgiven” came out, it was the song of my soul for a long time. Even now, I still struggle with not being completely myself, instead being just the parts of me I instinctively find others want me to be.

What i’ve felt
What i’ve known
Never shined through in what i’ve shown
Never be
Never see
Won’t see what might have been
So I dub thee UNFORGIVEN.

I became a cutter after daily failed attempts of suicide settled into a habit self-medication through releasing these demons through my flesh. When Linkin Park’s “Crawling” came out, I only had to hear it once to know it was a complete lyrical representation of my own life. In the video you see a young woman in an abusive relationship with an older man, then later you see her in bed with a guy closer to her own age. For me, I see this as her using a physical relationship to fill the void of love she doesn’t receive, or at least in the right way, from her father.

I struggled with cutting as a form of escape and a pressure valve release for over a decade; It’s been 9 years since I’ve done it and three weeks since the last time I wantedto grow a small flower bed of my pain (meh, you’d have to be a cutter to understand that I suppose). It NEVER goes away completely, it’s always there on the fringes… waiting to return to its place in my life, but I learn a way to go around it.

Linkin Park’s “Bleed It Out”, to me, really represents the futility and never-satiated need to cut. The act itself bled out the emotional pain and despair I felt, however, it was an addictive behavior that was easier and easier to return to and rely on. The last time I cut myself I was 26, and I started in on the inside of my right arm until I ran out of room then started on the outside of the forearm. I later counted the number of lines I cut and, quite by coincidence, there were 26… one for each year of my life was my thought at the time.

I just want to point out a line in the lyrics, “I’ve opened up these scars
I’ll make you face this”. No matter how hard I tried to get recognition from my father for what he did to me and how it affected my life, to have him shoulder his responsibility and apologize for it, I never got it. In the end, I forgave him for my own personal peace and the last conversation I had with him before he died from cancer was a release of his hold and power over my life and my happiness… I simply told him I forgave him and let go of my role as victim, becoming a survivor from then on.

As I’ve gotten older, healed some and put distance between myself and that dark time in my life, I have a deep affinity for The Fray’s “How to Save a Life”. The song was inspired by The Fray’s lead singer and songwriter Isaac Slade’s experience working as a mentor at a camp for troubled teens. He was completely at a loss at how he, a suburbanite, could reach the troubled musician/teen with whom he had been paired. The song has since taken on a life of its own, having become a song of survivor’s guilt for many.

It has also inspired the Save-A-Life Campaign, a nonprofit organization that was born from the tragic loss of the founder’s son in a car crash. “How to Save a Life” was the last song he had downloaded. The organization seeks “to save the lives of our youth by enabling them to have moral courage to do the right thing no matter how hard it may be and to accomplish this by providing and supporting committed volunteers, coordinating community education, and teaching them that the first life they must save is their own.

I must give credit to God for my healing and survival. It was only after I released my pain, disappointment, grief, shame… sense of injustice… and “let go and let God,” as they say, that my life made the change it has. I had accept that the past is something I can do NOTHING about, and throw off the binds that kept me opressed. I stepped out of the darkness of bitterness and despair and into the light of hope and love. What happened is in the past and I have no control of it, but what I do today and tomorrow is completely within my power.

After a lifetime of having my identity dependant upon having a man in my life, and having never learned how to relate t guys without sex, I made a vow to myself not to date for 5 years… until after my 35th birthday. In that time I finished college, getting a Bachelor of Arts in Christian Ministry, and I learned who I was. What I wanted and didn’t want in life. I learned to be comfortable within my own skin.

Natasha Bedingfield’s “Unwritten” is a great song to make the point that I am not limited by my past, but that my future is entirely in my hands… “the pen’s in my hand.” BUT, the version of this song that would be on MYsoundtrack is Team Lachey’s version of “Unwritten” from NBC’s “Clash of the Choirs”. Hometown, everyday singers had a chance to be part of a choir directed by different professional singers from that town (Team Lachey was directed by Cincinnati native Nick Lachey). Gotta love that!

Well, I celebrated my 35th birthday last June, and met my boyfriend at the beginning of September. It’s all post Twilight series, lol, and new and different… and absolutely terrifying. I learned to be by myself and became quite comfortable and good at it. No heartbreaks or hurt feelings to contend with. No worries of his nefarious motives… why does he want a single mom with teenage daughters? >… paranoia sets in …< and I’m finding two songs being the major lyrical voice of my life at the moment: “The Rose” by Janis Joplin

because I am finding it hard to get past fears and previous heartbreak… it would almost be easier to just go back to my shell and turtle in, except I would be missing him.

Everything with him is completely new and unlike anything I’ve ever known. Whereas in past relationships the other person always wound me even tighter than I already was, he calms me.. and not just me, but the kids and even the dog… and she’s a rat terrier (hyper doesn’t even begin to cover it!). We think so much alike, that if I want to know what he would think about something, I only have to think how I feel about it and it’s almost always right.

But the voices of doubt and fear still hang out and whisper in my ears, trying to keep me from becoming attached to and loving him. Just when I had given up on ever having a “love life” again, I met him. He gets through when no one else, not even family, has ever been able to.

Because of all that, the last song in my soundtrack (at least for now 😀 ) is “Bleeding Love” by Leona Lewis.

So, what would be the soundtrack of yourlife? What song describes who you are or where you’re at in life right now? Leave it in the comments, or better yet, blog the meme on your spot and leave the link in the comments here 😀

I’m looking forward to your songs 😉

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One Response

  1. I’m sorry you’ve had such struggles in your life. I hope you continue down the path you’ve recently taken.

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