Title: Stop Dressing Your Six-Year-Old Like a Skank: And Other Words of Delicate Southern Wisdom
Author: Celia Rivenbark
Hardback: 262 pages
Date Published: September 2006
Publisher: St. Martin’s Press
ISBN: 9780312339937
When my daughter announced her class was taking a field trip, I involuntarily shrieked “No!” but then had to realize that it was doubtful the kindergarten classes were going to prison or the dookie factory.
Indeed, it was the zoo. This would be safe and fun, I thought. Animals frolicking – what could go wrong?
Well, for starters, the baboon, who was frankly obsessed with amorous activities that didn’t require a partner.
“What’s he doing?” a few of the kids asked.
My husband, who was the only man who had come along to chaperone, decided he would deal with this question, and deal with it he did.
“That’s just the traditional baboon way of waving hello,” he said, sounding remarkably poised and knowledgeable.
“Oh,” a little boy in the class said. “Should we wave back?”
“Oh, God no.”
Next up: the “desert habitat” where an ancient camel proceeded to amuse the children by leaning down to eat his own shit. Without even moving his legs, the giraffe savored every bite as if it were the Christmas ham.
“Oooh, icky gross! I think I’m gonna hurl!”
“It’s just nature,” said one of the kids, trying to comfort my husband.
–Stop Dressing Your Six-Year-Old Like a Skank by Celia Rivenbark, pages 53-54
I first heard about Stop Dressing Your Six-Year-Old Like a Skank by Celia Rivenbark on the April Books Brought Home Library Thing thread (the discussion starts going around message 174). It created quite a stir, as everyone passed around their “bad parents and monstrous children” horror stories. With the conversations circulating, as well as it’s hilarious-but-shocking title, I knew I wanted to read this book. So I clicked on over to BookMooch, entered the title in the search bar, and voila! mooched the only copy available.
When it arrived in the mail on Saturday, I cracked open the book and just glanced at the title of the first chapter: There’s Always Tomorrow(land): “If You Really Loved Me, You’d Buy Me Pal Mickey”. The chapter’s about Celia planning and taking her family to Disney World. Before I realized it, I was at the end of the chapter, ripped envelope still in my lap, and bladder barely holding its ground after all the laughter. The whole book is like that, and you just about have to tear the book from your hands to put it down to make dinner, sleep or even go to the bathroom (okay, I admit it… Celia went there, too).
With the charm of a Southern Belle, and a snarky, sarcastic wit, Miss Celia expresses all that it is to be a mother/wife/career woman/person with the sense God gave a goose in this day and age. She tells of her experience trying to buy size 7 clothes for her six-year-old, and only finding outfits that’d make a Vegas showgirl feel naked. Later, she points out that grown women in character-embossed clothes need to grow up, which points out the Topsy-turvy nature of the American culture today: Children dressing like sexually mature adults and grown-ups dressing like school kids at play.
Each chapter’s title both encompasses its contents, while being surprising and tongue-in-cheek. A few examples of this are:
- Yo Yo Yo! Where Can a Sista Get a Cowgirl Outfit?: Holidays Make This Mama Wanna Get in Your Grille
- Weary Mom to Uppity Teens: At Least I Know Where the Continent of Chile Is
- Field Trip, Fornification, and a Shit-Eating Giraffe: Who Says School Can’t Be Fun?
- Montel’s Smoking Weed: (But Will He Share With Sylvia the Psychic?)
- Reality Bites: Super Skanks Lewinsky and Hilton Are Fun to Watch, but Those 100-Pound Toddlers Rule!
- The Butcher’s Great, the Baker’s Suffering: But How Is the Anti-Carb Frenzy Affecting the Candlestick Maker?
- The Paradoxical Male: Smart Enough to Find “Me Time,” but Dumb Enough to Get Stuck Buying the Tampons
- If It Ain’t On eBay, It Ain’t Worth Having: (Whoa! Is That Willie Nelson’s Face in Your Grits?)
- Politicians Serve Up McValues: (With Extra Cheese on the Side)
Amidst the humor and anecdotes, Rivenbark manages to slip in facts and evidence that support her position, but you’re too busy laughing and enjoying her company to realize “Hey, there’s serious journalism going on here!”
I enjoyed Stop Dressing Your Six-Year-Old Like a Skank by Celia Rivenbark immensely, and am going to buy a new copy from Amazon and have it shipped to my mom for Mother’s Day (don’t tell her, or you’ll ruin the surprise!). All the way through, I could just hear my mom’s voice in Rivenbark, and I know she’ll enjoy it as much as I did. While the book won’t stay with me as far as remembering specifics, the feeling of fun and laughter will live on, and I’m sure that when I re-read this review a year from now, I’ll remember specifics in the chapters mention, and laugh again. For the joy it’s given me and will give to my mom and myself in the future, I give Stop Dressing Your Six-Year-Old Like a Skank by Celia Rivenbark 4 iout of 5 Krispy Kreme donuts 😀
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In this video clip, Celia Rivenbark opens up a book signing by reading an anecdote in an email from a friend.
Filed under: Book Reviews | Tagged: Adult, Adult humor, American, American South, barbeque, comedy, culture, Disney World, funny, humor, huzzbands, Krispy Kreme, motherhood, non-fiction, North Carolina, poop eating animals, satire, school field trip, slacker mom, snarky, social commentary, south, Southern, southern culture, southern living, southern women, Southernisms, women, zoo | 5 Comments »
Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury
Author: Ray Bradbury
Paperback: 191 pages
Date published: 1953
Publisher: Del Rey (div of Random House)
ISBN: 9780345342966
Miscellaneous: This book was first published in 1953, and has since won the National Book Award and the Prometheus Hall of Fame Award. The copy I have is a 50th anniversary edition, and has an interview with Bradbury in the back of the book.
–Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury, pages 58-60 (emphasis added)
In the first line of Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury, Guy Montag tells us, “It was a pleasure to burn.” Guy is a fireman who loves setting fires and watching things undergo change via the flames. He aims his firehose and sprays the kerosene over the contents of a house and lights the match. A permanent smile is plastered to his face from the hundreds and hundreds of fires he’s set over the ten years he has spent in service to his city. Life for Montag is good and makes sense.
Then a series of events occur that rocks his world. He meets Clarisse McClellen, who is “seventeen and crazy” as she says. She’s been labeled “anti-social” for asking “why?” instead of “how?” and for wanting to connect to people instead of merely co-existing with them. She likes to go on hikes and collect butterflies, and is forced to see a psychiatrist for such odd behaviours. Clarisse’s innocent questions and simple, romantic views on life awakens some long-comotosed awareness in Montag’ssoul. With the question, “Are you happy?” Guy is forced to re-evaluate himself and the world around him. His wife attempts suicide, then goes on pretending it had happened and, in fact, refusing to believe Guy.
The crisis moment for Montag happens when he’s at a house to burn and the older woman chooses to set herself on fire with her books, rather than leaving them. He is forced to question whether it is morally right to destroy something of such value that people are willing to die for them. And if such an act is wrong, what can he, MUST he, do about it?
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Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradburywill have to go on my top 10 list… just not sure which book to bump for it. First off, I love dystopic books, it’s probably my favorite genre. My definition of Dytopia is: Someone’s Utopia is another’s HELL. Second, Fahrenheit 451 speaks to the time it was written, but also has something to say to future generations of readers. It’s a cautionary tale of a possible future, barely imaginable when he wrote it nearly 60 years ago, and frighteningly close to life today. And as I read this, I couldn’t help but feel we did not listen to the warning.
For instance, when Bradbury wrote Fahrenheit 451, wallscreen and battery operated televisions weren’t around. Black and white television itself was in its infancy, but the love of Mrs. Montag’s life is her parlor wallscreens that allow her to be surrounded by her “family”, virtually live and in color. A device allows the people on the shows to insert her name and even look like they’re saying it. A device called a Seashell is worn in the ear, and allows a person to hear music, without disturbing those around them, and Mildred Montagwears hers so often that she’s become a proficient lip-reader. I immediately thought of MP3 players… Sam wears hers so much that she had a meltdown the other day when I told her she couldn’t take it to church with her.
Truly, Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury was prophetic. The society found in within the pages of the book bear a lot of similarities with our culture today. Disconnected from one another, they/we go about with our devices in our ears (Seashell, MP3 player, cell phone, etc) and no longer take the time for conversations with our neighbors and others we meet in passing, and if we do happen to “chat,” it’s shallower than a pie pan.
They/we are so afraid of offending others that the thought police (Firemen or Political Correctness) have made it socially unacceptable, and in some cases criminal, to express ourselves, even monitoring our own self-talk. Free speech? HA! Congress is doing everything they can to eliminate that little inconvenience.
They/we are so obsessed with instant gratification that they/we no longer want to take the time to think about what they/we read, to let it distill in our souls. So books are flatter and more “pastepudding,” as Bradbury calls it, and the average person is no longer able to read and comprehend a newspaper article… not that they actually have the patience to read a whole one, just the headline and first paragraph, then onto the funnies (and even they are getting too long). Supermarket tabloids, Harlequin romance novels, car and sports magazines are the only books found in some homes, and to be “intelligent” is to be reviled.
I don’t say this often, if I’ve ever said it at all, but Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury is a MUST READ. It should be taught in schools and read every year. Oddly enough, this book was actually challenged as part of a school curriculum… A parent wanted to ban a book that is a warning against book banning! How ironic.
Obviously, I give Fahrenheit 451 5 out of 5 stars. READ IT!
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Filed under: Book Reviews | Tagged: 20th century, American, American classic, banned book, Beatty, big screen TV, book banning, book burning, Books, cautionary tale, censorship, cigarette smoking, Clarisse McClellen, critical thinking, dysfunctional, dystopia, dystopic, Faber, fiction, future, Guy Montag, hedonism, interactive television, Little Black Sambo, lung cancer, minorities, MP3 player, P.C., phoenix, Politically Correct, politics, prophetic, salamander, scary but true, sci-fi classic, Science Fiction, social commentary, society, special interests, speculative, thinking, thought police, tobacco, Uncle Tom's Cabin, warning, World War | 5 Comments »